..There are roughly 4 million married couples in the United States between the ages of 20 and 35 who don't have children. Many of them want to have children – at some point. Unfortunately, there's a growing gap between the desire couples have for future children and how things actually turn out. While only 3 percent of couples reported in a World Values survey that they don't want children, the reality is that about 20 percent of couples end up childless.
For some of them, the gap between desire and reality exists because they don't know the limits of their fertility. Couples who marry after the average age of 27 sometimes try to spend a few years enjoying life without kids, yet when they finally decide to start a family, they're surprised to find they are already past the peak of their fertility. Many of these couples end up having to work a lot harder to have children than their parents or grandparents did. (Many of these couples – as well as many couples who aren't infertile – have discovered the redemptive possibilities of adoption).
Other couples must deal with this gap between desire and reality because starting a family has become a wedge issue in their marriage. Often, one spouse is more ready to have children than the other. Even couples that are on the same page about kids tend to worry how becoming parents will affect their marriage, so they decide to just wait a little longer.
In the meantime, a third of all pregnancies in marriage are unplanned. That means a lot of couples who weren't sure how they felt about kids are sent headlong into parenting without a lot of vision or preparation. These parents often end up like people who are "taught" to swim by being thrown into the water; fear and desperation can work wonders. But learning to swim that way is all about survival – there's little, if any, enjoyment. Not surprisingly, we see a lot more flailing among parents today and a lot less visionary parenting.
The purpose of these articles is to help couples become more intentional about their path to parenthood. Couples who arrive at a shared vision and a purposeful approach to starting a family are able to experience greater joy in their marriages and in their future roles as parents.
Starting and raising a family is certainly a soul-shaping, world-altering experience – but first it's a marriage-shaping and relationship-altering experience. No marriage is ever the same once children come into the picture.
"When a baby arrives, everything changes," says family researcher John Gottman. "Parents must adapt to the 24/7 care of a new, vulnerable infant – an enormous task. Not surprisingly, 40 to 70 percent of couples experience stress, profound conflict and drops in marital satisfaction during this time."
Children can bring significant challenges for couples who married with the hope of spending their lives enjoying a soulmate connection. "Most Americans today don't marry in order to have children," writes author and researcher Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. "They marry in order to have an enduring relationship of love, friendship and emotional intimacy." But therein lies the rub. Whitehead explains:
Achieving this new marital ideal takes high levels of time, attention and vigilance. Like new babies, contemporary marriages have to be nurtured and coddled in order to thrive. The problem is that once a real baby comes along, the time, the effort and energy that goes into nurturing the relationship goes into nurturing the infant. As a result, marriages can become less happy and satisfying during the child-rearing years.
Contrary to popular thought, however, your marriage can survive and even thrive as you take on the mission of a family. In fact, having children has the potential to deepen and mature a marriage.
Marriage therapists today often seek to correct the myth that having a baby will make a couple happier. They point out correctly that infants can add tremendous new stress to a marriage and aren't a good prescription for turning a bad marriage into a good one. What couples don't hear enough, however, is that letting their love spill over into a new life can give them a fresh sense of purpose in their marriage. Parenting requires couples to adjust expectations about their sex life, their sleep patterns and their ability to embark on last minute dates, but the parenting mission can mature and sweeten a marriage over the years when a couple commits to do it "as unto the Lord."
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"[T]here is no substitute for the contribution that the shared work of raising children makes to the singular friendship and love of husband and wife," write Leon and Amy Kass in their book Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar. They go on to explain the unique distinction of that shared work: "Precisely because of its central procreative mission, and even more, because children are yours for a lifetime, this is a friendship that cannot be had with any other person."
A very old book about marriage and family offers a vision for how couples can grow through the process of starting a family. The book Home-Making, written by J. R. Miller in the late 1800s, uses some language we don't hear much anymore, but provides a vision that is timeless:
It is a new marriage when the first-born enters the home. It draws the wedded lives together in a closeness they have never known before. It touches chords in their hearts that have lain silent until now. It calls out powers that have never been exercised before. Hitherto unsuspected beauties of character appear. The laughing heedless girl of a year ago is transformed into a thoughtful woman. The careless, unsettled youth leaps into manly strength and into fixedness of character when he looks into the face of his own child and takes it in his bosom.
Yes, having children will change your marriage, but you can trust that God designed your marriage to grow and deepen through that change. The marriage ceremony in older versions of the Book of Common Prayer explain that marriage was ordained for "mutual society, help, and comfort," but it also says that marriage was ordained "for the procreation of children." God didn't design those reasons for marriage to contradict each other. With His grace and wisdom, you can have both kids and a great marriage.
Communicate positively with one another. In spite of the emotional ups and downs common to new parents, make a habit of supporting and encouraging your spouse.
"Jay and I really tried to be kind to each other even when we didn't feel like it," says Nancy.
Scorekeeping, nitpicking and those niggling feelings of jealousy may be normal, but tearing one another down won't go unnoticed. Sharing emotions and coming up with appropriate solutions is a key component to a healthy marriage – now and in years to come.
Make it a priority to spend time together. Whether it's enjoying an evening walk, ordering carry-out after the baby has gone to bed or grabbing a few minutes to talk over breakfast, try to find ways to engage in conversation that work for both of you. It's easy to get hyperfocused on your baby's day-to-day care. Still, having fun together as a couple will create a loving foundation for the whole family.
Maintain an overall sense of team. On top of issues like who will earn what portion of the income and who will do the laundry when, ease the parenting transition by detailing role responsibilities. Nagging one another about who should load the dishwasher – all while the baby is screaming to be fed—will only result in increased irritability. Rather, compromise with one another, maintain flexibility and work through expectations. If each person helps out, then you can avoid resentment and establish a united front early on.
Understand that intimacy changes. It's common for a new mom to experience sadness and frustration at the ways pregnancy, childbirth and nursing have changed her body. Fatigue and sleeplessness further complicate the physical aspect of many marriages. With less time and energy for sexual closeness, it's crucial for husbands and wives to discuss new approaches to intimacy. As unromantic as it may sound, sex can be thoughtfully planned into your schedule. And don't despair: you can rediscover that pre-baby passion.
Remember: Parenting your infant won't last forever. Surely most moms and dads with little ones have heard the well-intentioned advice, "They'll be grown and out of the house before you know it!"
by:candyd parayno
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